


maybe it’s safer if I don’t try (something that will last)

by dearericbittle (dutchmoxie)



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Awkward Flirting, Bisexual Evan Hansen, Connor Murphy & Zoe Murphy Get Along, Implied Alana Beck/Zoe Murphy - Freeform, M/M, Matchmaking, Soft Connor Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-16
Updated: 2018-06-16
Packaged: 2019-05-24 05:43:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,371
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14948648
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dutchmoxie/pseuds/dearericbittle
Summary: Evan Hansen is a terrible liar with a crush on cute Connor who works with him at the student hotline. Zoe Murphy just wants her new friend to live happily ever after - plus she also really wants her brother to get the guy. Somehow the plan comes together.





	maybe it’s safer if I don’t try (something that will last)

**Author's Note:**

> ‘my new romance-obsessed friend asked me who my last date was with and i was too embarrassed to say i’ve never been on a date so i blurted your name and it turns out they know you’ au 
> 
> It's like the prompt was made for this ship, okay?!!

Evan had never met anyone who was this persistent about wanting to be his friend before. Zoe Murphy was the exception to a lot of things, apparently. 

She didn’t prefer Jared to him (sometimes he worried even his mother would rather have had Jared as her son), she actually wanted to be his friend when no one else had seen the need to talk to him, and she wouldn’t hear any of his excuses about why he was single.

He was bi, he had double the dating pool, so that meant no excuses - at least, according to Zoe. She was pretty insistent about it too. 

“So, what’s your type?” she asked. “Do you have a type? What are you into? What have your exes been like?”

How was he supposed to explain to her that he was probably the most awkward guy alive and he preferred to enjoy his many theoretical options only in his imagination? He wasn’t quite so terrible there, and he only messed everything up about half the time, depending on how badly his brain wanted to screw him over that day. How could he make Zoe understand that he’d never even made it to the date part? 

Clearly that meant he had to lie to her. Or, he had to let the lie just kind of happen to him in the midst of a massive freakout. That was just how things usually worked for him - and it was why his mother didn’t figure out that his roommate was getting high in their dorm and Evan was suffering from a slight contact high last time she called him. 

Michael wasn’t a bad roommate - he taught Evan how to play video games and he always shared his weird snacks and old school sodas - but he was a little too fond of getting stoned, often with his best friend, and always in their dorm room. 

Drugs freaked Evan out - he could never relinquish control of his body like that, and it was illegal and someone was definitely going to find out and arrest him. That would ruin his entire future because he couldn’t afford to lose his scholarship and… 

Deep breaths Evan. The lies would come any second now. 

“So, how was your last date?” Zoe just would not let things go. “Tell me everything. Who was it with? Why was there no next date? Do I need to punch them for you?” 

This was definitely the part where the lies started slipping out - he was very familiar with it. This was how he’d somehow managed to get Jared to believe that he had a girlfriend that he met online, even though the excuse sounded completely pathetic. But Evan had added so many details to the story that Jared had believed him for a good three months or so. 

“It w-was n-nice,” Evan stammered, trying not to drown in a pool of his own lies. “He was nice. But we didn’t have a second d-date. I j-j-just… He d-deserves better. I’m a m-mess. ” 

Okay, so that was not all lies - there was actually some truth in there. Mostly about him being a wreck who didn’t deserve to drag a perfectly fictional boy down with him. Or girl, really. But for some reason Evan said he.

That reason was the ridiculously cute TA from the English Lit department who helped run the student hotline - this girl Alana set it up and Evan was technically one of the founding members. Evan had been too terrified to interact much with Connor, but they’d had a few awkward conversations about things involving the hotline. To be honest, Evan wished his last date had been with Connor. 

Wishful thinking was behind about ninety percent of his lies. 

“You’re not a mess,” Zoe defended him vehemently, because she clearly had no idea that she’d only seen the normal parts of Evan. “You deserve a cute boyfriend - or a cute girlfriend. Who is this guy anyway? I’m sure we can fix it.” 

Yeah, that was what doctor Sherman had thought at first too - just the part about fixing things, because Evan had never mentioned a word about his sexuality to his shrink. They had other, much more urgent things to deal with in their sessions. Even now, Evan studiously ignored any openings the doctor left him about discussing any possible romantic partners or his interest in meeting someone. 

Soon, doctor Sherman would figure out that the avoidance meant that there was literally nothing to talk about. But of course the doctor would then presume that this was a problem that Evan needed to fix. That would be wrong, because Evan would rather die alone than go on dates with strangers who were just going to think of him as a pathetic freak. 

His left hand served him just fine when he wanted something - and his imagination could take him pretty far. 

“Connor,” Evan blurted out the first name that popped into his head. 

He had been thinking of his stupid crush too much, about how Connor had almost lingered after his shift last weekend, seemingly waiting for someone. Of course stupid Evan had distracted him with a few chats that had him worried, and by the time they’d gotten things sorted for the night, everyone else had already gone home. 

Connor had offered to walk Evan home that night - purely out of obligation, he knew that, because it wasn’t like Connor actually wanted to spend time with him outside of volunteering. 

“Good name,” Zoe smirked at him, clearly not letting this thing go. 

“Thanks?” Evan was not sure how he was supposed to respond, unsure of where Zoe was going with this line of inquiry. 

His anxiety was waiting right around the corner for him to screw this up, like he’d already screwed up any other possible friendship. 

She probably wanted him to stick around and answer all of her questions, at least for a bit longer. And so he dutifully waited as Zoe sent out a few messages on her phone. Walking away before the conversation was over? That was not an option for any discussion that involved Zoe. She was absolutely going to keep going until she had all the information she needed from him - he’d learned that much from experience, that time she cornered him after GSA and practically twisted his arm into being her new friend. 

Evan still didn’t understand why Zoe would want that, but she was a real force of nature and he was just going along for the ride. Because no matter what the anxiety and depression were telling him, Zoe continued to search him out - even when he stammered and his hands were super sweaty. She’d called him ‘genuine’ and ‘kind’, and Evan tried really hard not to pin all of his hopes for a real best friend on Zoe. 

“So?” Zoe shoved her phone back in her pocket and crossed her arms. “Tell me more about this Connor guy! I’m going to need more than a name if I’m going to fix this.” 

Honestly, he should have known. 

“He w-works at the hotline,” Evan just dug himself deeper into the hole of his own creation. “I think he’s b-been through a lot, and he just uses it to help people. I j-just think that’s really admirable and I wish I were h-half as good at talking to people because he always m-makes things better and I just need his help all the time.” 

The look on Zoe’s face was soft as she silently motioned for him to continue. Her mouth was softly curved into a smile, a hint of mirth in her eyes. 

“Sometimes he wears his hair down,” Evan’s brain to mouth filter was completely gone at this point, as he revealed his stupid thoughts about his stupid crush. “It looks really soft but it hides his face and I miss seeing it because it’s a really nice face - especially his eyes. I think he might have heterochromia and it looks really good on him and I…” 

Evan trailed off awkwardly, spotting the very guy he was just talking about. Connor was walking in their direction, looking around for someone - probably a boyfriend or a friend who was way cooler than Evan was ever going to be. Everyone was. 

“Evan?” Zoe continued to look at him. 

It seemed as though she was concerned about him - she was no longer smiling. Her head was slightly tilted as she studied Evan closely. 

“I… I… I… I c-c-can’t,” his words got caught in his throat as Connor continued to get closer to him, to them. 

Was he supposed to say hello if Connor noticed him? They knew each other, and it was sort of the accepted social protocol to acknowledge someone you knew if you ran into them in public. But what if Connor stopped to talk to them and Zoe figured out that this was the same Connor that Evan went on his non-existent date with?

If Zoe figured out that he was lying, she would not want to be his friend any longer, and he was just going to be alone for the rest of his life. Who else would actually make an effort to be his friend like Zoe had? 

Jared hadn’t. No one had. No one would. He was going to be alone for the rest of his life and that shouldn’t make him both angry and sad. That should have made him happy - life gave him an out so he wouldn’t have to interact with strangers. So why wasn’t he taking it? Why was he letting Zoe stick around, why was he still trying? 

“Hey Connor,” Zoe called out before Evan could answer the questions. 

“Hi Zo,” Connor almost smiled in Evan’s direction. “Hey Evan.”

Meant for Zoe - that almost smile was totally meant for Zoe. Of course it was. But Connor still noticed him, and that was enough to make him freak out internally. 

Then again, anything could make him freak out. He can’t even say hi to Connor, even after Connor talked to him directly. 

“So, about that second date?” Zoe interrupted Evan’s thoughts yet again. 

“Second date?” Connor echoed, his brow furrowed. 

How did Zoe even know Connor? Their circles wouldn’t exactly overlap, right? Maybe they met through Zoe’s girlfriend? Evan hadn’t met her yet, but Zoe was totally smitten. 

“I can’t believe this,” Zoe played up the drama, faking anger for some reason. “After all my plotting, I found out you two have already been on a date. And I was getting ready to set you up, too.” 

What was going on? Evan knew he was headed for a panic attack, a bad one, if things continued to catch up to him. Clearly, this was karma coming to ruin him for the stupid lies he’d told. He just wasn’t meant to have real friends, not even Zoe, who’d been rooting for him since the beginning. 

Why had Zoe been rooting for him? What had he done to make her do that? Were there hidden motives here? Did Zoe have ulterior motives in wanting to be his friend? Of course she did. Because why else would anyone want to be his friend? 

“Evan?” Connor turned to him. “Oh, shit, Zo, what did you say to him? He’s going to have a panic attack.”

Evan knew that Connor was right there, but he looked and sounded so far away - his senses were blurred, dull and faded. His head was too busy thinking of all the reasons why Connor would never want to talk to him again, and all of the reasons that Zoe could have possibly had for befriending him that did not involve actually wanting to be his friend. He didn’t really have any money, so it couldn’t be that, but maybe she needed him to tutor her or take exams for her somehow? He was really good at studying, since he had a lot of time to do it. The same amount of time most people spent on their social lives. 

So maybe it was worth it, if he could just tutor Zoe enough so she’d be his friend. It would be just like Jared just needing to appease his parents, and he made it through that okay - but he just thought Zoe was different, that she actually cared. 

No one cared about him. Just his mother, and she loved everyone, so of course she loved him. 

“Breathe with me,” Connor’s voice was strong and steady, so it was easy for Evan to comply. “In through your nose, one, two, three, four and five. Hold, hold, hold. And out for one, two, three, four, five, six and seven. Do you need me keep counting with you? Just nod.”

This was not actually a panic attack - those were a lot worse and lasted a lot longer than this - but Evan had been well on his way to one when Connor recognized the signs. And now he wasn’t, now he was just breathing a little heavier than usual, but he was on the way to being normal again. At least for a little while, which was pretty much all he got. 

“Shit, Evan, I’m sorry,” Zoe’s eyes were wide. 

“I’m okay,” Evan muttered, unable to get his voice to cooperate. “I’m fine.”

He wasn’t. He never was. 

If they were to become actual friends, Zoe would find out about that, and really quickly too. And then she would be disappointed and wouldn’t want to be his friend anymore, not even if he could still tutor her or be otherwise of use to her. 

That was what always happened. 

“Zo, can you just… text Alana for a bit?” Connor ended the awkward silence. “I kind of want to talk to Evan without you lurking.” 

Wait, what? Alana? Zoe knew Alana? Was that the link? Was that how Connor and Zoe had interacted and become friends? Connor and Evan worked with her, but Evan assumed Alana must have met a ton of people through all of her many activities. 

Alana Beck had many acquaintances. 

“Second date?” Connor asked again, this time with Zoe at a safe distance. 

“I’m s-so s-sorry,” Evan knew that he was blushing all over his body at this point. “She asked m-me who my last d-date was w-with and b-because I’m a p-p-pathetic loser who’s n-never b-been on a d-date b-before I had t-to m-m-make s-something up. And you w-were the f-first p-person to p-pop into m-my head b-because w-wishful thinking is k-kind of a b-bitch l-like that. I’m s-sorry I lied and I p-p-probably m-made you s-super uncomfortable.” 

Oh great, the stuttering was back, worse than before. Evan really thought he was getting better at the whole actually managing to talk to Connor thing. 

“My sister is the one making people uncomfortable,” Connor rolled his eyes at Zoe. 

_ Sister? Zoe was his sister? Oh god!  _

“Sister?” Evan dumbly repeated. 

“Zoe’s my annoying little sister,” Connor said that loud enough just so Zoe could hear him and flip him off. “And now that she has a serious girlfriend, she is focusing all her matchmaking skills on me. I apologize for whatever plans she’s concocted.”

Why was Connor apologizing for Zoe when Evan was the one who lied about dating him? Why wasn’t Connor angry with him? Why wasn’t he furious that Loser Evan basically admitted to wanting to date him? 

Oh fuck, he basically admitted to wanting to date Connor - to his face. 

“It was m-my f-f-fault,” Evan looked up at Connor - at that cute face. 

“I honestly doubt that,” Connor was staring down at him with a fond smile. 

His heart was basically pounding in his chest, because hot guy Connor was actually smiling at him, enjoying his company. But Evan lied to Connor’s sister about being on a date with him! There was just no way that he could fix that. Connor was going to hate him - by all rights, Connor should already hate him. 

“I lied to her,” he reminded Connor, knowing he’d ruin that smile. “I lied to her about dating you. She’s your sister!”

Honestly, why had Connor not run away screaming yet? Why hadn’t he told Evan to just stay away from him? They worked together sometimes, and that was going to be a million times more awkward now. Connor was totally going to avoid him from now on, and just let Alana handle the stuff Evan couldn’t figure out on his own. 

Maybe Evan would even have to quit his job. And he liked doing it, for all the stress it gave him. It finally made him feel like he mattered, like he made a difference. Like if he fell from a tree, people would notice - this time they would notice. 

“We could not make it a lie,” Connor was somehow still smiling. 

_ 404, Evan’s brain not found. _

What did it even mean? What was Connor trying to say here? Because he honestly could not be saying what Evan thought he was saying. 

“What?” Evan had no words. 

“Do you want to go on a date with me?” Connor asked. 

_ Error. Error. Does not compute. _

“You?” Evan stammered. “W-with m-m-m-me? Why?”

Why, that was the real concern here. Why would someone like Connor want to date someone like Evan? 

“I’ve been trying to flirt with you for six months,” Connor ducked his head, seeming embarrassed all of a sudden. “You never seemed to respond to me when it wasn’t about work, so I thought you didn’t…. But then last time you let me walk you home, and you weren’t stammering and so I hoped that maybe...” 

What the hell was his life right now? What the actual fuck? 

He didn’t usually curse, not really, but this situation definitely called for it. 

Connor had been flirting with him, or trying to flirt with him? That was the most surprising part - the part that Evan had never even noticed or considered it, that was not a surprise at all. Because any kind of social interaction was a minefield for him to navigate, and the addition of possible romance had just made things more difficult. So he shut those thoughts down, because it wasn’t like anyone was interested. 

Except for Connor. Connor was interested. 

_ What the actual fuck was that about? _

“I didn’t know,” Evan couldn’t get Connor to look at him - clearly he was embarrassed. “I would have… I would have talked to you.” 

Did Connor still want to talk now? Evan probably didn’t even ruin this like he ruined everything else. And that just did not make sense. 

“So I guess I’ll have to be more obvious from now on,” Connor was still hiding his face from view. “Do you want to go on our second first date?” 

Well, that was just A Lot. Of course he wanted to go on his actual first date with Connor - but going on that date would also mean that Connor would figure out that Evan was a complete loser and Connor was way out of his league. And then things at the student hotline were going to be super awkward. 

But what if the date actually went well?

“You really w-want to d-date me?” Evan just could not get over it. 

“Of course,” Connor finally met his faze. 

_ Those eyes! _

There was nothing but straight up sincerity in Connor’s gaze, a soft smile hinting at the corners of his mouth. 

“Yes,” Evan finally said. 

Connor didn’t seem to need any more words to understand him. Evan liked that. 

“Right now?” Connor asked. “That way you won’t have time to freak out about it. Zoe will be too pleased with herself to make a fuss.” 

A laugh had burst out of him without Evan giving it a second thought. Ever since high school, when Jared cracked a joke about how weird his laugh sounded, Evan had tried to hide it. He was just hoping not to make people laugh at him again. But while Connor was definitely smiling, he wasn’t laughing at him. 

“I’d like that,” Evan decided. 

With Connor shooting a mocking wave at his sister, they were off. 

Not a minute later, Zoe texted. 

**_Zoe: You’re welcome._ **


End file.
